Attachment 15208 I quit chasing dreams cause you can listen to my tears. A promise of forever to hold you forever to love you... you'll be crying for me I'm crying here but someday you'll be also crying for ME I want to add a new one to this, Hope you like it as well Here it goes A Sad Heart Crying with a shattered heart, no one to wipe my tears screaming in shallow darkness where no one to hear the pain is so immense, love so good it's impossible to bear Breathing doesn’t mean Living Love a special name of suffering What is a body without a soul? Same I’m living my life like a corpse You was so good to me I can’t even abuse Always there whenever I need I cant refuse What’s the problem with me, why need of refuge your arms are enough for me, don’t want world so huge Breathing doesn’t mean Living Love a special name of suffering What is a body without a soul? Same I’m living my life like a corpse You loved me, you hugged me you fucked me Then left me in dark world so lonely I was crying here waiting for you only You took my heart and fill it with love venom seed I felt so choked but now I’m in air I can breathe No need to come back down, there’s no need I got heart which still pains with no recovery no heal. NIKY
Last edited by Royalnikx; 01-12-2013 at 04:40 PM. Reason: NEW rhymes
Processing....
@Royalnikx Is this a poem of yours? Mind tagging it with [P] in the title if it is?
>Pokemon Challenge Here< Free Wake Well Gift
Hey Royal, good to see you around here and welcome to L&W ^^
Originally Posted by Melmo So Drifty broke his bed and Jed is electrocuting everyone. Business as usual then. Carry on!
can you really do mark it P.
If you go to your first post and click "Edit Post", then click Go Advanced. There's a bar that says Edit Title, then just add a [P] to the end of it This is a really interesting piece. It's got a good little flow to it, and the ending is really fitting. I noticed one word missing: "cause you can listen my tears." should say "cause you can listen to my tears." I'd like to see more from you
Copy that
You piece is short, sweet and simple. If sad is sweet. xD That said, I like the added photo, gives a nice touch and feel to the poem. That and sets the mood. For the line that was edited, did you mean can't? It doesn't make sense for someone to halt chasing dreams because a person can listen. So I'm a bit confused on that part. xD What made you decide to include an image?
Aww... what a sorrowful poem. The image definitely helps establish all those sad feelings that come with this piece, but even without it, I would still be touched by such gloominess. It's a nice addition, though. I should start including some images with mine too ^.^ Anyhow, I enjoyed reading this poem and I'm glad that you decided to share it with us. Welcome to AL, and a big hardy welcome to L&W as well! Hope to see you hanging around here a lot! We'd love to see more of your stuff :3
☆ art thread ☆
Dear Shadow, I'm really glad you like that. but i quit chasing dreams is for when he met his lover he felt so complete that his dreams seems really too short to go for...... and you can listen to my tears is for any 1 can see tears but special some one can only know or hear the reason behind it....... yes I respect your thought, but i'm really new in writing, you can bathroom writer LOL.......
Thanx Hasumomo, your words are really encouraging
Ah, a perspective I hadn't considered. Well done. LOL!
I want to add a new one to this, Hope you like it as well Here it goes A Sad Heart Crying with a shattered heart, no one to wipe my tears screaming in shallow darkness where no one to hear the pain is so immense, love so good it's impossible to bear Breathing doesn’t mean Living Love a special name of suffering What is a body without a soul? Same I’m living my life like a corpse You was so good to me I can’t even abuse Always there whenever I need I cant refuse What’s the problem with me, why need of refuge your arms are enough for me, don’t want world so huge Breathing doesn’t mean Living Love a special name of suffering What is a body without a soul? Same I’m living my life like a corpse You loved me, you hugged me you fucked me Then left me in dark world so lonely I was crying here waiting for you only You took my heart and fill it with love venom seed I felt so choked but now I’m in air I can breathe No need to come back down, there’s no need I got heart which still pains with no recovery no heal. NIKY
This poem needs work, I'll admit. However, I do like it despite frequent misuse of grammar and lack of care for mechanics. With a few edits here and there, I think this piece would be allowed to fully shine. Here is my break down: Crying with a shattered heart, no one to wipe my tears screaming in shallow darkness where no one to hear the pain is so immense, love so good it's impossible to bear The bold text does not make sense here. To fix it, you could say, instead, "where there is no one to hear," or "where no one can hear," even "with no one to hear." Actually, I could probably think of several ways it can be said, but if you want exact rhyme by making it plural change it to "where no one hears"/"as no one hears." Breathing doesn’t mean Living Love a special name of suffering What is a body without a soul? Same I’m living my life like a corpse Punctuation would be a great deal of help when reading this as lets the reader know how to read it. I suggest adding some throughout the poem, utilizing it to give readers an idea of how it's suppose to be read. Here is a possible example: Breathing, doesn’t mean living. Love; a special name of suffering. What is a body without a soul? Same; I’m living my life like a corpse... Now, I do really love this stanza. Actually, this one is my favorite. It has a deep message, clearly inspired by love's facets and you articulated such a message quite well. Each line is connected to one another, which helps these ideas of love and suffering form the empty feeling as a result. Great work. You was so good to me I can’t even abuse Always there whenever I need I cant refuse What’s the problem with me, why need of refuge your arms are enough for me, don’t want world so huge 'You was' should be 'you were', technically. Also, when you mention not being able to abuse, I feel like I've been left hanging. What are you not able to abuse? It just doesn't fit. Some rewording seems to be in order. In line two, I feel as if it might work better if you had put 'Always there whenever I need, you can't refuse' because the other person can't refuse to be there for the narrator, not the narrator, themselves. Line 3, "What's the problem with me, why this need for refuge?" Line 4, "your arms are enough for me, don't want a world so huge" For the next stanza, I see it's a repeat, which is fine, but perhaps you could put a special twist to make it stand out from the other one, such as the ending line might do this 'Same; I'm living my life... corpse-like'. You loved me, you hugged me you fucked me - I like this line a lot, cursing made it somewhat more intense Then left me in dark world so lonely - how about: Then left me in a world of shadows, so very loney I was crying here waiting for you, [my one and] only - I think adding the words I've put in brackets could make this line a lot smoother. And here is how I'd rewrite the last stanza: You took my heart and filled it with love's venomous seed I felt so choked but now that I’m in air, I can breathe No need to come back down, there’s no point This heart I have still pains, with no recovery no heal. Finally, and this is just a thought, but what if you circled back to the repeated stanza at the very end? Like made some kind of reference to it, even a single line might work. Anyways, I hope my advice helps you somehow. Sorry if I've been to critical, but my intentions are good, I promise! I look forward to seeing more poetry and even stories if you have any. You are a wonderful and creative writer so keep at it!
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)
Forum Rules
