My attempt at a Death Scene.

[ImmortalJed]

Hey

So while playing The Werewolf Game #5 @Tazxor was writing death scenes for each of the werewolf kills/ lynching victims. I was inspired, and decided to write one for some made up characters of my own.

Maximus stood looking into the mirror in his room, his sullen, sunken face glaring back at him. His grim pallor and skin pulled taut across his face gave him a skeletal quality. He sighed inwardly, realising he had aged more these last few weeks than in the 20 years that came before. “These wolves don't even need to eat us to do harm, my love.” he addressed an empty room, his wife having died mere days ago at the hands of a savage werewolf attack. It lessened the effects of her loss if he spoke aloud, as if she were still with him as she had been for almost 30 years prior to her premature death. “It seems I can't protect this village by conventional means. I have tried and tried to deduce who is a wolf and who is an honest villager and failed every time”He glanced down to the piles of paperwork on his desk, the frantic scribbling of a troubled mind ever present across the worn parchment.“To what end do I trouble myself?!” He carelessly threw his paperwork off of the desk and onto the floor, where it sat in a crumpled heap. “The wolves have taken all I care about from me! I am a beaten man” He collapsed onto his chair, head against the desk and the tears streaming from his eyes. “I am sorry, my love. Truly I am.” With that he drifted off to sleep, the whisky he polished off early warming his insides and allowing him to finally get some rest.


A commotion outside woke Maximus from his troubled sleep, his desire to see what was going on beating his desire for more sleep. Walking to the large double window he saw that a crowd was heading towards his home,torches in hand being led by Harne. Instantly he knew what was happening, they were coming to lynch him. As commander of the city watch, he should have been able to protect them. This had led to them believing that he was the wolf. He hung his head, accepting his fate.“It seems I'll be joining you soon, my love” He was halfway towards the stairs before the cogs finally meshed together. Harne had no right to be leading a lynch mob. How had he claimed power? “I've been a fool! I never suspected him. Never suspected the man that had the most to gain from eating this towns established leaders. I've failed you again, my love” He turned, grabbing the Shotgun he kept beside the bed and checking that it was loaded. He heard the townsfolk shouting his name from outside his house, and knew they'd never come inside. He made his way down the stairs and taking one last look at the photo of his wife that sat on the table beside the door he stepped out into the darkness.


Seeing the shotgun in the Maximus' hand the townsfolk stepped back, unsure of what the man before them would do. “What is the meaning of this, Harne?”Maximus was stern, his voice level despite the fear of death washing over him. “You're a wolf, old man. You can't protect this town from them, so you must be one of them!” Harne was taking no prisoners,and it seemed the crowd agreed with him, as they all jostled back and forth for their insults to be heard above the din of the others. “Is that what you all think? The general consensus is that I am a wolf?Despite the fact that the love of my life was eaten by them just days ago? Think again.” Maximus saw the faces of those he had worked alongside, those he was sworn to protect. “I have, however, deduced who one of the wolves is. I've also accepted my fate. You want me dead, so be it. But I'll be damned if I go down alone!” with that he raised the shotgun, the barrel almost pressed against Harne's head and pulled the trigger, watching the bloody detritus spatter the crowd, grey matter and fragmented skull everywhere. “I'll see you soon, my love” He raised the barrel to his mouth and pulled the trigger once more and with his final action in this world complete he was finally at rest.

What do you think?

[Aeri]

WAS HARNE A WEREWOLF?!

[Alexzor]

Yeah! did is skin turn all furry? more mroemoremreomreormeorermomoreromoerm!

[Ioreth]

Jed, it's awesome. I love it! :3

[ImmortalJed]

WAS HARNE A WEREWOLF?!

I should probably have clarified that. Yes, he was. Harne was a wolf and Maximus was the Vigilante, though he only managed one kill.

Yeah! did is skin turn all furry? more mroemoremreomreormeorermomoreromoerm!

It did, but I didn't really think of a way to express that. I could write more, but it's pretty long already.

Jed, it's awesome. I love it! :3

Why thank you Ioreth.

[Swan]

Wow! I loved this, Jed. It's so tragic XD

[Ioreth]

That reminds me... what about that battle with Shadow? >.>

[Swan]

Oh, my. I remember that. Did you guys ever finish your entries? O:

[ImmortalJed]

Thanks Briar

No, we did not. It's an open battle because we are both busy. I should get to work on it really.

[Ioreth]

Slacker

[Ihsomiet]

For me, it didn't really live up. The story only ended at his death and it iin my professional opinion, wasn't fully explored. I believe a death scene is only as good as the person who finds the body of his or her loved one and the emphasis of the relationship between the two in that moment through strong reflection.

[ImmortalJed]

I will add to it just for you Ihsomiet.

[Ace_Gainer]

*first time judging other work here*

in gotta say Ioreth, this isn't my style. I'm in no way a fan of death. But I think you did really well. Great use of words, and it really conveyed the emotions and made the reader feel them as well. I only have two small issues, which are probably due to this just being meant as a short thing.

Basically it started off spectacularly, but when the mob showed I think you sped it up a bit too much. I did the same thing with a bad piece I wrote a while back. That was because I just wanted to finish it. And the whole thing suffered for it.
Leading from that; the deaths were too quick. Yoh wanted to write about the deaths here. The build up to it was spectacular, but more emphasis could have gone into it. He's commiting suicide here, dude! That's gold! The coldness in his mouth. The fear of the afterlife. A hesitated second. The crowd's reaction. The ringing of the shotgun; echoing in the town. So, so many possibilities.

Don't get me wrong; it's an amazing piece. Really good work. Just some thoughts i had on it. XD


As a side-note, how is the game? I really wanted to play it, but haven't had the chance yet.

[ImmortalJed]

Ace Gainer, Ioreth didn't write this. I did XD If she had done, it would be 10 times better than this.

I see your point. You make a very valid critique of this (you say this is the first one you have done? You should do more, you are very helpful ) and I might revisit it prior to creating the addition that Ihsomiet hinted at. I'm glad you liked it though

Saying that, there is another piece I rushed to finish (My entry for the Campfire Challenge) that I should revisit at some point, as well as my Batman story and all of my critiqued poetry 0.0 I have a lot of writing to do it seems XD

[Ioreth]

Ace Gainer, Ioreth didn't write this. I did XD If she had done, it would be 10 times better than this.

  Spoiler:  

I see your point. You make a very valid critique of this (you say this is the first one you have done? You should do more, you are very helpful ) and I might revisit it prior to creating the addition that Ihsomiet hinted at. I'm glad you liked it though

It was an awesome critique D:

Saying that, there is another piece I rushed to finish (My entry for the Campfire Challenge) that I should revisit at some point, as well as my Batman story and all of my critiqued poetry 0.0 I have a lot of writing to do it seems XD

Yeah especially critiquing!!! Get to it~

@Ace_Gainer the werewolf games are supah fun! You should give it a go some time